Monday, December 13, 2010
Music Moves Me
I had piano lessons for five years, from the age of 12 to the age of 17. (when I decided I had much more important things to worry about- like boys, obvs ;)
I still have the piano my grandma bought me. It's weathered and needs repair. But it still plays.
It's been sitting in my studio apartment for over five years. I've played a handful of times.
What is it that's been keeping me from playing?
Maybe it's the fact that around the age of 18 I left my prized music collection at a 'friend's house and they claimed it for their own, telling me they 'couldn't find it.' That was five years of music. My entire piano journey in one binder. A lot of it I can't get now, or don't remember the names or composers. I am still not over this loss, eleven years later. I know I need to forgive them. Gosh it's hard though. Oh how I miss that music!!!
Maybe it's my performance anxiety. (I used to run away and hide or pretend to be sick so I wouldn't have to play at recitals) I can't even play a song for one friend- I get too nervous. I guess I think I'm just not as good as I used to be and that psychs me out. Plus if no one can hear you play, what's the point, right?
Maybe I need a teacher again. Someone to hold me accountable for practicing. Someone to help me through tricky passages with difficult timing. Someone to remind me the theory behind certain things I do. Someone to inspire me to try new songs.
But I'm scared. Scared to invite someone new into my life and my home. Scared I won't find a teacher I'm compatible with. Scared I can't be retaught. Scared I will never regain my skills. Scared I won't like it. Scared people won't like to listen to me.
I think it's about time to let go of my fears. Playing brought me SO much joy and satisfaction. It will be worth it. Don't you think?
I just got the sheet music for this song. It moves me to tears listening to it. Playing it myself is pure magic!