Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Besides nightmares of earthquakes, I haven't been sleeping well ever since our return from Idaho. My mind has been on overdrive- but it hasn't been running on a positive track. For some reason I am just stuck in the negative right now. I usually try to keep this a happy space. But I also want this space to be authentically me. And the only thing that feels authentic right now is letting some of my troubles seep out into the open.
What's bothering me:
~ I'm supposed to go on a first-time trip to San Fran in a couple weeks. But instead of being excited, I'm stressing out big time. I should have scheduled this trip a month later to give myself -and our finances- time to warm up for it. I am thinking about canceling it altogether- if I'm worried about money the whole time it won't be fun at all. Plus I have nothing to wear in that kind of weather. No rain-proof or walking-appropriate shoes. I don't want my plp to be disappointed. I can't enjoy planning for it though. GAH! I just don't know what to do.
~ My relationship is weighing heavily on my mind as well. I know relationships are work. But how much work are they supposed to be? What's the ideal work/enjoyment ratio? Because currently I feel like mine is 50% work, 13% nagging, 35% breaking down and giving up, and maybe 2% enjoyment. And I know it's a two-way street and I need to be doing my part. But what does it say when you just don't want to do your part anymore, it just feels like wasted effort? I'm struggling with part of me wanting to grow and learn acceptance, and part of me wanting to let go and put my efforts into something that actually makes me joyful.
~ Speaking of joy, what if I'm just not a happy person? What if I'm just used to finding things that 'just aren't right' about any situation I'm in, and I'll never break that pattern and learn to ignore or change the 'just not right' and focus the majority of my energy on what is 'just right?' I strive to be positive, but a lot of times the little things aren't enough. I want to feel positive about my life as a whole.
~ Being an adult is hard. I feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities. I am having a hard time prioritizing. 'Us,' or 'me?' 'Now,' or 'future?' 'Fun,' or 'mature?' 'Home,' or 'outside world?' I crave balance, but in the space around my long work days I feel lost and unmotivated, unable to find it.
Well there you go. The 'real' me. Sorry it's neither entertaining nor uplifting today, kids.