Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Missing


When you've had someone around you all up in your biznass, for over eight years (about a quarter of your life), it's very hard to let them go. 
No duh, right?

Even when your head is full of reasons why the decision you made was the right one. Even when all of your loved ones agree. 
Even when you are excited for new possibilities in your life. Even when you feel at the same time relieved and free.

You still can't help but miss them. Especially when they aren't gone yet, and you notice all the little things you took for granted.

Like having someone to go to sleep with, and out to dinner with. Getting massages all the time. (I was spoiled.)
Having someone to cook for. Having someone you know to sit next to you on the plane. 
Being able to 'get some' whenever you want it (sorry for being crass). 
Having someone who cares about the mundane details of your life (well, for most of the relationship anyway). 
Being out at night and seeing all the desperation and knowing you have someone to come home to. 
Having someone who will say, 'Are you sure you want to eat all that?' when you are about to devour something sugary that you will regret later. 
Having someone not just to call in case of emergency, but who is usually right there with you.

I could go on and on. The missing him is already kicking in. In spite of reason. 
In spite of him being bitter (and acting it) toward me. 
He's still here, in our house, and I'm noticing those things, 
and wishing I could have it all- everything I had, but somehow also what was lacking.

But I can't. It's over. And believe me, we tried. 
We tried for a couple years through my doubts. It was time for a change- 
after all, the definition of insanity is 'doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.' 
 And (though come PMS time I may seem it) I am not insane.

There are those nagging fears- what if he finds happiness with someone else and I don't?
What if this really was as good as it was gonna get? What if I never have love again if I let this go? 
What if he really is completely gone from my life?

I'm trying to get through this time of missing all that we had by reminding myself over and over the reasons this separation will be good for us. 
And of the bright future I have ahead of me. I'm clinging to my wonderful friends and family for dear life. 
I'm focusing on the immense challenge that is doing my new job well.

I know time heals. I know I will be happy. 
I know I will do all of the things on my bucket list (like going to Italy with my brother Brad, possibly next year!) 
I know I have never had time to just focus on me. And space all my own. Never yet in my life. 
I've been craving this freedom and independence for as long as I can remember. 
It's time to fly, and if I keep looking around the nest with nostalgia I will forget to flap my wings and fall straight from the sky.
Time to soar!

Had to let some of that out, and it felt good. Thanks for listening, friends.

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