Sunday, July 29, 2012

Fears and Musings

I'm lonely. I'm so lonely it aches. 
I'm so afraid that I'll never have long lasting love in my life again. 
I want the kind of love that lasts for decades. I miss being in a long term relationship. 
I don't miss everything about the particular one I most recently got out of... 
but I do miss some things. At least I miss the feeling of security. 
Of having someone there who would always care for me, no matter what. 
Knowing that we would grow old together. Even though that didn't happen with us, 
I still felt good thinking it would be true.
I'm lonely for my family. 
I keep thinking, 'if my family are the only ones I'm going to have in my life to love and care for and be close to, 
what am I doing wasting my time not being with them??' 
I'm afraid that I'll stay away, 'doing my own thing,' trying to make my way in the world 
and find whatever it is I'm missing, and I'll miss living life alongside my family. 
 I'll miss seeing them all grow up and grow old.  
I can't shake the feeling that I have not found my home yet. 
You never know what can happen- how things can change- in only a few short years.
I could find the love of my life, find a place that feels like home, 
and be doing what I love every day. Or I could not. 
Question is, what do I do in the meantime? I don't feel fulfilled where I am in life. 
But I can't imagine a different direction.

1 comment:

  1. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."
    That's a proverb I have to rely on when thinking about where to go in life.

    I know how lonely it can be, where you just want someone--not just anyone, but that special guy--to share life with. To go through these experiences with. But keep your chin up! (And move to Idaho)


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