Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Letting Go

Letting go can be a good thing or a bad thing. I've been doing a lot of letting go lately. Some negative, some positive. I'm evaluating. I want to figure out how to tip the balance- let go of some things I need to and reclaim some I've loosened my grasp on.

This morning I made a decision. I had been holding on to bitterness toward some people for quite some time. So much so that even the mention of a name would send me into a spiral of anger. It felt like losing control, and not in a good way- every thought would be tainted by my feelings of betrayal and desire for revenge. That is such wasted energy, and not who I want to be. So I've decided to forgive. It's going to be a process. It's helping me to remember that I am not excusing the behavior I was so angry about. I am releasing myself from having to think about it anymore. What happened really does not affect my life anymore unless I am thinking about it. So I am shifting my thought patterns. I'm letting go for me.

There is a person who has been in my life for a long time who has disappointed me quite a lot. Until now I had foolishly continued to put my trust in them, thinking 'maybe this time they will come through,' and being upset every time they did not. Over the past week or so there have been a few giant nails in the coffin of my expectations of them. I have been so very angry and resentful. But I am realizing now that I am not a victim. I made the choice to set up those expectations. I am the reason for my own let downs. This person is just not going to do what they say they will. It took me years to get to this point of not being able to avoid that fact. I have to let go of my anger toward them- whether they can be counted on or not, I chose to count on them up until now. I also have to let go of my anger toward myself for putting myself in the situations I am in because of that misplaced dependence. Time to let it go, find solutions, and stop repeating the cycle.

For the past few months I have really let go of the joy I used to find in exercising. I let it become a chore, the very last thing I ever wanted to do. I have had plenty of healthy years in my life in which the time I spent moving my body was some of my most cherished and rewarding. I intend to get those ideas back into my head. To remind myself that I LOVE to work out. I love releasing stress that way. I love feeling (and being) strong and healthy. I love being limber. I love making time for myself every day. I want to remember that exercise is a gift to myself, not a means to an end in some competition I will never win. I haven't quite figured out how to make this switch yet, but at least the intention is there.

Something else I have let slip away is my creativity. It has been YEARS since I last felt creative and made things or did things for the pure pleasure of being creative. A part of me has lain so dormant it almost feels dead. I want to reawaken it! In my life I have been SO full of fun creativity. I have been so inspired by so many people, things, ideas... Lately I have acutely felt how much of my life and daily thoughts have revolved around 'just the facts.' Great, we all need facts and goals. But where are the IDEAS?? The feelings, the doing something just for the love of it, to see what happens? I know I have it in me. Like a faucet that has rusted over, it may take some elbow grease to turn it back on and get flowing again. But I will make it happen!

What about you, readers? Anything you need to let go of, to be free of? Anything you have let slip from your life that you want to reclaim? Any advice or experiences you'd like to share?

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