Fears and Musings

I'm lonely. I'm so lonely it aches. 

I'm so afraid that I'll never have long lasting love in my life again. 

I want the kind of love that lasts for decades. I miss being in a long term relationship. 

I don't miss everything about the particular one I most recently got out of... 

but I do miss some things. At least I miss the feeling of security. 

Of having someone there who would always care for me, no matter what. 

Knowing that we would grow old together. Even though that didn't happen with us, 

I still felt good thinking it would be true.

I'm lonely for my family. 

I keep thinking, 'if my family are the only ones I'm going to have in my life to love and care for and be close to, 

what am I doing wasting my time not being with them??' 

I'm afraid that I'll stay away, 'doing my own thing,' trying to make my way in the world 

and find whatever it is I'm missing, and I'll miss living life alongside my family. 

 I'll miss seeing them all grow up and grow old.  

I can't shake the feeling that I have not found my home yet. 

You never know what can happen- how things can change- in only a few short years.

I could find the love of my life, find a place that feels like home, 

and be doing what I love every day. Or I could not. 

Question is, what do I do in the meantime? I don't feel fulfilled where I am in life. 

But I can't imagine a different direction.

Thankful Thursday: Back In Gratitude

I've been lacking in the gratitude department lately, folks.
I've been focusing on everything that bugs me, the ways I feel trapped and inadequate.
A great recipe for feeling like poo.

Time to remember how good gratitude feels.

Tonight I'm thankful:

That I can text almost every member of my family any time I want to
For air conditioning in the heat
That the things I make myself feel guilty for (like the dishes piled in my sink right now) are very small in the scheme of things
For how well I'm doing at work. Still getting paid to learn and grow. Still loving what I do.
For my health insurance that allows me to go to the doc anytime I need to
For the fact that I rarely need to see a doctor
That my mom loves to catch a buzz and chat with me for hours
That the beer and laziness weight I've put on over the past few months can be easily shed with some discipline
The comfort of watching movies (especially cheesy old 80s and 90s movies!)
The humor in my favorite tv shows
The insight of a good book
That no matter how much of a funk I get in, this too shall pass
For the beautiful weather lately
For the way the pigeon who got trapped between a booth and a window the other day calmed when I talked to her like I used to talk to my chickens
(I was able to grab her and take her outside unharmed)
For buying cheap used movies on Amazon

How are your gratitude lives these days?