Wednesday, September 23, 2015

What if I don't wanna?

Action indicates priority.

I know this to be true.

I've been fooling myself, thinking that my priorities should be these, and I should be proving that to myself by doing these things, and doing them regularly.

I've been getting down on myself SO much over this. I set sky high expectations of myself, because I know I'm capable of a lot. Or at least, of more.

But the matching of my actions to those expectations has not been working out so well. Okay, it has not been working out at all.

I know this lesson theme. Acceptance. Of self. Of where I am. Of what I have to work with. Of the now. Look for things to appreciate about this, here, now. Apparently, although I am familiar with it, I have yet to learn it, because it keeps showing up.

I realized this morning (not for the first time, I'm sure) that I'm afraid to accept "average." I'm afraid to be okay with not needing to be the best. I'm scared shitless of not making the most of my life, my resources, myself.

That's great, right? That's where some of the most creative, ambitious, admirable people in the world (in history!) start. With that fear of wasting their lives- that fear of "a life unlived."

Except it's not working for me. At least not in the way it seems like it should work.

In theory, I like it. I make lists of goals. Lists of things to do to accomplish those. Lists of how I want to live. I have enough fulfilling and productive activities to fill every single day. BUT I DON'T DO THEM.

In the past, I might have blamed this on depression. Thankfully, that's no longer a factor in my life. I might have blamed it on a circumstance, like long work hours. Nope- can't use that one, at least not currently.

And those things didn't stop me from doing the things that really mattered to me anyway. I still made bosom friends. Connected with my family. Practiced the hell out of introspection. Had fun. Advanced in my career. Fell in love. Learned to cook. Manifested everything I set my mind to.

I didn't purposely fill my time with the things that ended up mattering the most. They just happened.

While I absolutely recognize the need for the elements of healthy basic routines- exercise, alone time, connection time with loved ones- I'm having trouble finding any motivation whatsoever to establish anything else as part of my daily life.

But what if it's not trouble? What if I just don't wanna? And what if that's okay?

An example: I know I "should" do a little bit of homework/research/reading every day. But I do homework just fine a couple of hours before it's due- the quality doesn't usually suffer. I am a far better researcher when I really want the information- and I really want it when I have to produce something with it the next day! And I don't absorb anything when I force myself to read in regular intervals, at set times. Or when I sit down and take structured notes on my self-assigned ten pages a day. But I do fly through it when I'm in the mood to absorb something new.

The point is, I have been giving myself all of these assignments. These expectations. Very few of which I want to do, and fewer still I end up doing in the way or timeframe I say I should.

And I'm not getting more done. I'm not feeling more fulfilled or accomplished. In fact, I'm feeling like shit about myself because why can't I just work through these simple lists and keep busy all the time and live a full and productive life? BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA.

I want to float on alright. I want to do the bare minimum to get the grade, to keep the house up, to stay connected, to find my career path. Ugh! Even typing "find my career path" elicits a grimace and the mental image of a donkey digging its hooves in. Let's cross that one off.

If I don't accomplish much, I want to be okay with that. If I do the minimum sometimes, I want to be okay with that. If I have a lot of free time, I want to be okay with that. If I go weeks without making a phone call, I want to be okay with that. If I wait until the last minute to do things (as long as waiting doesn't negatively affect the outcome), I want to be okay with that. If I don't have a perfect house, I want to be okay with that. If I'm not constantly having adventures (and documenting them), I want to be okay with that. If my life is just not that interesting or exciting, oh wait- I AM okay with that, already!

I've always gravitated toward simplicity. People who live simply, off or on the grid, just doing their thing with intention and mindfulness, inspire me. I see them and I want what they're having!

People who live productive busy adventurous ambitious change-the-world pinterest-worthy lives impress me. I feel pressure to want to be like them. BUT... I DON'T ACTUALLY WANNA.

I want to take things slow. I've always been like this. I absorb new information slowly and thoughtfully- quite opposite of the way I eat, which has many times been likened to a shark feeding frenzy- but I digress.

I'm wondering if I'm onto something here. We all know there's a difference between inspiration and motivation. I'd like to minimize the pressure to be full of the latter in order to open up to more experiences of the former. I'll let you know how it goes. Or I won't, if I don't wanna.

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