Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Ego vs. Connection

I spend so much of my effort trying to affect my circumstances, and myself, to make my life (and the lives of those close to me) better.

Sometimes I lose sight of the point.

I feel disconnected.

The striving for improvement, no matter how spiritual or positive or healthy the improvement itself, is about my ego.

There is a difference between selfishness and self awareness.

It's been a long time since I've felt connected on a regular basis. And by this I mean connected to my highest self, to my Source, to the part of me that is larger and focusing through this limited physical perspective.

I've been pondering connection, circumstances, attitude, focus, happiness, contentment... themes I am by no means a stranger to.

I've figured out that a deeply held pattern of mine has been to focus on one area of my life and make it my resident problem. Be it a person, place, job, physical ailment, whatever, I fixate on it and declare it the reason for my unhappiness or my inability to grow, or even function.

I'm working on moving past this. So that covers circumstances. That covers the external. I am aware that it's a matter of focus to be content or discontent.

More recently, I've peeled back another layer. I know everyone says that wherever you go you take yourself with you. I'm realizing this for myself now.

Here's the thing: I'm full of conflict.

I don't really like or love myself.

Yet I revolve my life around pleasing myself- or at least, the ego level of myself.

I'm missing my soul connection. I'm missing my deep love and acceptance of myself. And I know this connection is achievable regardless of outside circumstances. I've been brainstorming- no, spiritstorming- trying to find a common thread. What was I feeling/thinking/doing/being at the times when I was most connected and treating myself most lovingly?

I find it difficult to accomplish anything without being either immersed in ego or fully connected. If I'm immersed in ego I can justify all of the things I must DO in order to have or be or feel what I'm after. If I'm connected I feel good, and I accept who I am, and action feels natural rather than forced.

The ego way just isn't sustainable. I burn out constantly.

I've had to re teach myself how to purposely connect on a regular basis quite a few times since I learned about the importance of this. I guarantee you I've blogged here about it more than once. It's that time again.

I'm grateful that I'm aware of all of this, but I'm also disappointed in my inability to continuously live the way I know I'm meant to. Why must I keep falling off of the wagon of bliss and then forgetting about it completely, choosing instead to trudge along in the mud?

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